Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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