This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
