I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
