that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
