So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
