she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
