Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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