you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
is it fun? or sober?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
