I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
