non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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