well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
