my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
