My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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