In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
