You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
