im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think i have two assholes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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