My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
