I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
