Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
