After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
