my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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