so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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