She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
