you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dear god my vagina.
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