Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
