i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
