dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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