I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
