last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
