not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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