i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
