You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
