I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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