he thought i was a dude.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
