we're chasing vodka with high fives
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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