I'm really into asian looking animals
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
