I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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