My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
