There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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