Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
