I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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