dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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