boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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