the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
