Quick, to the slutcave!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
