So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
