Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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