I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All the doctor said was why
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
