her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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