Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What a dumb baby whore.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
