just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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