Betty ford says i'm here all night
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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