Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
